There are times in all of our lives when we have something important to share, but we have trouble finding just the right thing to say.  Right now your daughter needs your help and support. She is pregnant, and telling you has been very difficult.  Your first reaction may be shock, anger, sadness, fear--you may have suspected this for a while but just did not want to ask her, or maybe you did ask and she denied it.  If so, remember that denial is a common response in teenagers when a circumstance seems overwhelming.

We recognize that this is a hard time for you.  If you want or need to talk to someone, we will be here.  For many more ideas on how to open up lines of communication with your daughter, visit the newly launched, Mom, Dad, I'm Pregnant website.

As she is feeling overwhelmed, you may be too.  If you have another adult with whom you can share this problem, such as your spouse, a relative, or an understanding friend, it will probably help.  Whatever feelings you are going through right now, your daughter has probably felt a similar initial reaction.  Search down inside yourself for understanding and patience.  At least she has chosen to come to you with this situation.  You must now decide how you will respond to her display of trust.

We recommend that you try your best to avoid approaching this situation in a punitive manner.  Punishment won't make the situation any better, nor improve your daughter's self-esteem, which may be very low at the moment.  It is natural to try to find someone to blame in these circumstances.  In most instances, parents want to blame the young man involved.  That may set up a hostile situation between you and your daughter if he is someone she cares for.  There are times as a parent when you may feel that you can't do anything right--no matter what, you are the villain.  But laying down the law and telling her that she can't see him again will probably result in an angry, defiant daughter who may well find a way to see him anyway.  If possible, consider having your family and his family sit down together to discuss the situation.

What to do next?

A woman who is pregnant has three options: she may continue the pregnancy to term and raise the child herself or within the family; she may carry to term and give the child up for adoption; or she may have an abortion.  Abortion is available as an option in the US through about 24 weeks of pregnancy.

No one choice is right for every woman, and often the situations surrounding unplanned pregnancies are complex.  In terms of long-range mental health, the staff at Concord Feminist Health Center believe it is crucial for the woman herself to take the major role in decision-making about her pregnancy.  Sometimes, this may seem impractical, especially when the woman is very young.  It is, however, part of respecting her rights as an individual and of asking her to begin to be responsible for decisions she makes.

• Carrying to term: If your daughter decides to carry her pregnancy to term, or is too advanced for an abortion, it is very important that she see a doctor during her pregnancy.  Many young women have higher rates of problem pregnancies and deliveries in part because they have not had proper pre-natal care.  Most hospitals and family practice clinics provide pre-natal care, and many have classes specifically for young women who need to prepare to raise a child.


• Adoption: There are a number of adoption agencies, including some that are actual maternity homes.  Through many of these agencies, a woman's maternity expenses can be paid if she chooses to give the child up for adoption.  Many also have counseling and support services available for the women and their families.  For referrals to adoption services in New Hampshire, visit the Department of Health & Human Services website.


• Abortion: If your daughter chooses abortion, there are several clinics and physicians in New Hampshire that provide this service.  CFHC provides surgical abortions between six and 14.6 weeks into a pregnancy as measured from the first day of her last normal menstrual period (LMP).  The Center also provides abortion by medication up to 56 days LMP (8 weeks).  CFHC makes medication abortion services available to minors only when there is support from a parent or a responsible adult guardian. 

Statistically, abortion is safest within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy.  At this point, an abortion is three to 10 times safer than carrying a pregnancy to term.  (Abortion is still as safe as going through childbirth, even in the later stages.)  If your daughter is considering abortion, she may want to make an appointment at a clinic to discuss her options as soon as possible.

Should your daughter decide to terminate but is more than 14.6 weeks LMP, we would refer her to a clinic in Massachusetts.  Unlike New Hampshire, Massachusetts has a parental consent law.  If your daughter is under 18, she will need the written consent of a parent or guardian to terminate the pregnancy.  If she cannot obtain that consent, she can petition the court through a process known as judicial bypass.

No matter what decision your daughter makes with regard to this pregnancy, we hope you will be open to her having birth control if she feels she will need it.  Wishing that she would not be sexually active, or forbidding her to be, is likely to be unhelpful in avoiding a recurrence of this situation.